10 Suck-ish Things About Motherhood

Sleepless Nights-1

I've heard a lot of my mommy friends say things like, “I love it when my baby wakes up at night and it's just me and him/her, all alone. We get to bond.

That's a bunch of bull! There will be plenty of time for bonding during the day, when you're well rested and not sleep deprived. I don't know if these moms think that saying things like this is going to win them some kind of award or what, but let me tell you, it's not! My philosophy is, a good mom is a mom who got eight, uninterrupted hours of sleep the night before (period).

Rear Facing Car Seats-2

Until your baby is old enough to realize that they are not in the vehicle (seemingly) all alone, this isn't a problem. But one day, they wake up, they are no longer oblivious to the fact that the back of the seat isn't a permanent fixture in their lives and they freak out!

Or in my infants' case, they cry until they puke, scream until they turn blue, almost pass out, and have green snot running off of their chin. Whoever the genius was that came up with this rear facing car seat idea, kudos. Every mom in America hates you!

“Spill Proof” Sippy Cups-3

Um...NOT! We all know when these spill proof cups get turned upside down in the rear facing car seats that our baby's have to sit in until they're a year old, that their pants will be soaked from the time we get from point a to point b. I think we should all banned together and sew for false advertisement!

Potty Training-4

Do I really even need to expound on this? No, I didn't think so.

Giving Birth-5

Keep in mind, these are in no particular order. Now, I've heard this described in many different ways. My granny always said, “It's like lifting a house on your shoulders.” Hmm, that would be hard. I can't remember who said it but I've heard it described, “Imagine trying to push a watermelon through a lemon.” I think that's a pretty accurate description.

I just say, it hurts really really bad, then it's over. Aahhh...

It's a very bitter sweet moment for me. I was iffy about putting child birth in my suck-ish list. Delivery is probably my favorite part of the whole nine month baby making process.

After each and every one of my child births, that's right, all five of them, I felt more accomplished than I've ever felt in my whole entire life. I mean, I had just pushed a tiny person out of my, well, ya know. The suck-ish part? I thought there should be some kind of ceremony. Maybe a trophy? I had done this amazing thing and all everybody wanted to talk about was “the baby” this and “the baby” that. Yeah yeah. The baby was great but really, what did the baby do? I'm the one that had just risked life and limb to lift this proverbial house on my shoulders and what did I get? Squat.

So, you can probably see how this made the list.

Disciplining-6

I really hate having to get onto my kids. It's one of my very least favorite things to do. I always swore I would never be one of those moms that said, “just wait until your dad get's home.” But guess what? I'm totally that mom. Ugh...and I hate myself for it!

But in a perfect world, I cook, clean, kiss the boo-boo's, and daddy comes home and knock heads together, and everybody's happy...especially mommy.

Bed Time-7

On TV shows and movies this ritual always seems to go so smooth. Mommy and Daddy go in, read the children a story, say their prayers, kiss them good night, and in eight to ten hours the little angels come rolling out of bed. Refreshed and ready for a new day.

That is never how it has gone at our house. NEVER! It usually goes a little something like this:

School night bed time is nine o'clock for the younger kids, ten o'clock for the older two. I have them start getting ready around eight-thirty, that way they have no excuses when it's actually bed time. They brush their teeth, if they feel like it, go the bathroom, put pull-ups on, (for the ones who need them) get their bed time drinks, then off to bed, for the first time.

Dani: “Mom, can I sleep in the living room tonight?”

Me: “No. You need to go to your room.”

Dani: “But I want to watch a movie.”

Me: “Dani, you will never go to sleep if I let you sleep downstairs.”

Dani: (crying, stomps upstairs)

I usually go to bed around nine-thirty or ten o'clock. There is somebody in and out of my room, no less than five times from the time I go in there, to eleven o'clock each and every night.

Devin: “You're probably gonna say no, but can I have a salad?”

Me: “NO. Go...To..BED!”

Dustin: “Can you tell Devin to leave me alone?”

Me: “Tell him I said to leave you alone!”

Daymond: “I don't know how anybody's supposed to sleep in this house with them!”

Me: “Daymond, please just do your best and Go..To...BED!”

Dani: “Mom, can I pleeaasseeee sleep in the living room?!”

Me: “Dani, if you don't go upstairs and go to sleep I'm going to beat you, or have Daddy do it!”

Dakotah: “Mommy, can I lay on your arm?”

Me: “Of course Dakotah. Anything you want.”

Settling Arguments-8

This may possibly be the most suck-ish thing yet!

Devin: “I called X box”

Dustin: “No I did!”

Dani: “I'm going to be Carly you be Sam.”

Dakotah: “No. I'm Carly, you're Sam!”

Daymond: “It's my shot-gun day.”

Devin: “It's my shot-gun day.”

Me: Aaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

This leaves me to be the judge and the jury. And if you've watched very many legal proceedings, you'll know that I'm going to end up very unliked by one side or the other.

There are days that I swear they get out of bed and make a conscious decision to argue about every single topic that comes up in the day.

Me: “Hey kids. I'm going to cook you the best breakfast ever! Blueberry waffles, scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, and fresh fruit.”

Them: “Eeww! No. We want cereal.”

Me: “Hey guys. Wanna go to the park and play baseball then have lunch at Pizza Hut?”

Them: “No way! We want to clean the whole house and then have bologna sandwiches for lunch.”

Okay, maybe that's a stretch. I'm just trying to prove a point. They really like to argue!

Why? Why? Why?-9

Because I said so!!! That's why! First time moms are under the crazy illusion that only toddlers go through this “why phase.” WRONG! They start around the age of two, and my oldest is now fourteen, and he has yet to outgrow the “why phase.”

This is where, because I said so, comes in really handy. I despised that answer when I was a kid! But until you're a mom, you can't really appreciate it. It covers a multitude of whys.

“Mommy, why can't I have a sucker for breakfast?” “Because I said so.” “Mommy, why can't I wear a hoodie to school when it's ninety degrees outside?” “Because I said so.” “Mom, why can't I go to an unsupervised, boy/girl party while I'm in the eighth grade?” “Because I said so.”  See? It works just as well as, you can't have a sucker instead of oatmeal because it'll rot your teeth and you'll still be hungry. You can't wear a hoodie when it's ninety degrees because people will think you're mental, you might stroke out, and it's just weird. You can't go to an unsupervised, boy/girl party while you're in the eighth grade because I was in the eighth grade once, I'm not stupid, and I know what eighth grade boys and girls are thinking.

Because I said so was so much easier.

Deciphering Between The Truth & A Lie-10

When does, “I just threw up” mean “I just threw up” or “I didn't get my homework done and I really don't want to go to school today.”

After all these years, I'm still a pushover when it comes to the kids telling me they “don't feel good.” And no matter how many times I tell them they'll go to hell for lying, they continue to tell me they “just threw up.” And as soon as the bus pulls off, they magically feel like a brand new person.

There's a rule at school that if they puke, they must show the nurse or the teacher or they can't go home. Maybe a little extreme, but if they didn't do something they would have Coffee kids “puking” like crazy. So, I decided this was a good rule to enforce at home.

I've became hard core. They seem to “forget” to leave it in the toilet. They always flush. If I don't see it, they get on the bus. I know this sounds horrible but you would just have to know my children to understand.

So, these are some of the things that make Motherhood suck! Oh, there are more. And I'm sure as my kids get older and go through more phases in life, there will be even more.

I always try to remind myself, as many suck-ish things as there are...the good always outweigh the bad!

“Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids.”

“Erma Bombeck”