The Coffee Filter

     We recently had Direct TV installed and I'm absolutely loving this DVR.  With a house full of kids there is nothing better than being able to pause, rewind, and fast forward live t.v.  With all of the advances in technology I've seen in my 33 years, I'm thinking that it's possible that in my future, I'll see the ability to pause, rewind, and replay my mouth.  What a concept!  I'm sure I'm not the only one in my family that feels this would be a great invention.

     While I view my being outgoing, honest, quirky, and somewhat off color sense of humor as being "good" parts of my personality.  I've been told that it wouldn't hurt to "reel it in a notch or two."  It can come across as a "little much."  And some people may not know how to "take me."

     There's a slight problem.  This is who I am.  I don't know how to be any other way.  For as long as I can remember, all of my friends have said,"if you want to know the truth, just ask Jenny."  I pride myself on that.  I don't tell the truth because it's mean or because it's the ugly thing to do.  I tell the truth because that's what I've been taught to do.  Problem is, sometimes I tell the truth when nobody ask for it.  Come to find out, that's not okay.

 

   I sit here thinking about all the times the "Coffee Filter" would've came in handy.  (That's what I would call the DVR for my mouth.  Pretty clever, huh?)  There are really too many times to count.  From the embarrassing, stupid things I've said, that I sooo wish I could take back and will never live down.  To the hurtful, mean things that I've said to the people that I love.  That although they may have been true, didn't always need to be said out loud.  To the extremely inappropriate jokes I've made in awkward silences to complete strangers.  Why?  Because that's just what I do.

     Where do I begin?  Might as well go back to my first recollection of my idiotic behavior:

     The year was 1998.  I was 18 years old.  A group of friends and myself went to the theatre to see the new Titanic movie.  We were all so excited!  That was a long time ago.  But as best as I can remember, we stood in line for at least an hour, maybe a little longer.  We were getting ready to give our tickets to the lady when a teenage boy ran out of the theatre and yelled, "Let me ruin it for ya.  The ship sinks!"  Everybody laughed, except me.  I didn't find any humor in it at all!  I...WAS...TICKED!!!  I said, "seriously?  Thanks a lot!"  I went on and on about how long we had stood in line and now we knew how the movie ended.

     Um...apparently I slept through that day in history class.  Or I was writing notes to friends or something.  Because I swear I had never heard of the Titanic in my life!  

     That story has given a lot of people laughs over the years.  At first whenever somebody brought it up, I almost cried.  It was so humiliating.  People that I had never met in my life would come up to me in public and say, "Seen any good movies lately?"  Good one.  Now, go pick on somebody your own size.

     Fast forward several years.  Curtis and I were visiting with some friends.  We were discussing the president, which was George W. Bush at the time, and his wife and their twin daughters Barbara and Jenna.  I made the comment that I never understood why someone would have twins and give one of them a really cute name, like Jenna, and the other one such a plain, boring name, like Barbara.

     We were eating.  And in between bites I glanced around the table and noticed that everyone was looking at me kinda funny.  Nothing registered and I kept talking.  I said, "I know Jenna is a lot like Jenny so I don't mean to sound conceited.  It's just a really cute name.  But Barbara?  Really?  It's an old lady name!  Can you imagine looking at a tiny baby and saying, "awwww, come here Barbara.  Goo goo gaa gaa!"

     I glanced around again and they all had their mouths hanging open, looking at me so strange.  Then I looked at Curtis and he was giving me that, "You're doing it again" look.  Then it hit me.  We were having dinner with Jerry and BARBARA!

     How could I dig myself out of this one?  I couldn't.  So I didn't even try.  For once, I just apologized and shut up.  

     I know my face must've been 10 shades of red but not quite as red as Curtis's.  I just then started to realize why Curtis liked to spend so much time at home.  I can't say that I blame him.  So, if you want to know what I think of your name, just ask me.  I'll tell ya!

     Working at McDonald's has been so good for me.  It's gotten me out and about amongst other adults and given me a chance to mix and mingle with people that otherwise, I would've never met.  I really enjoy it. 

     A few nights ago a man came in and ordered a Bacon Buffalo McChicken.  I told him his total was $2.16.  He said, "$2.00?  Man!  That's an expensive sandwich!"  I told him anything with bacon on it's going to be more pricey.  I ask him if he'd bought bacon lately and went on to tell him how expensive it is.

     He said "No." He hadn't bought any.  He'd been in jail.  "The only pig he'd seen were the cops."  Hmmm...that's nice.

     He changed his order to a regular $1.00 McChicken.  I put his sandwich in a bag.  And with a smile on my face said, "Enjoy your sandwich...and your freedom."  As an after thought, I yelled after him, "but not your bacon." He turned around and smiled and said, "Have a great night!"

     The working manager thought It was funny.  I was just glad the ex-con had a good sense  humor.

     I think I saved my favorite for last.  I can't handle silence.  Most people will talk about the weather, sports, their kids, etc...I'll just say the first random thing that pops into my head.  NOT always, or even usually, a good idea.

     One day last summer I was just getting home and noticed a middle aged man walking down the sidewalk, using a walker.  I thought it was so sad.  He was walking pretty slow and it was obvious it wasn't an injury.  He was crippled.  

     Then I noticed that the boys had left their homemade ramp in the middle of the sidewalk from the night before.  A couple of concrete blocks and a piece of plywood.  So I sat my groceries down on the porch and ran out there to move the things out if his way.

     I moved them, and said, "Have a good day."  Okay okay.  I wish that's what I had said.

     I started to move them.  And said, "Let me get these out of your way."  Then I had a better thought.  So...I put them back down and said, "Unless...you want to back up and ramp it?!"  I no more than had the words out of my mouth than I thought, Jenny, what in the world is wrong with you?  Who says things like that?

     Luckily it was well received.  He decided to pass on the stunt.  But said if he was gonna do it, he'd hafta get a better run at it.

     I kept this from Curtis for several days.  I get tired of "the look."  And boy did I get it when he finally found out.  Oh well, what do ya do?

     At the end of the day, I'm not perfect. Who knew?  

     Thank God, He's still workin' on me!

Say Cheese!

     Oh the dreaded picture day.  I can't count the times I've left the Sears Portrait Studio in tears.  Curtis dragging his feet and rolling his eyes behind me saying, "I just don't understand what the big deal is.  It's just pictures."  Just pictures?  Did he really just say that out loud?  Men are so brain dead sometimes.

     Mommy's spend weeks planning the perfect outfits.  Then days planning around colds, nap times, bruises, and bad moods.  And hours fixing hair and keeping little boys out of mud puddles...just to get that perfect picture.  THAT'S what "the big deal is!"

     The last time we had pictures done of all of the kids, Dani and Dakotah weren't even born yet.  Considering Dani is seven and Dakotah is four, we decided it was time!

     With six kids, you don't spend months and weeks planning.  We decided on a Saturday afternoon that we would take the pictures the next day. 

    I decided on black & white.  That would be easy enough.  I went through everyone's closets and found them a black or a white shirt and jeans. I stressed over and over.  "This is what you will wear to church.  Then right after church we'll take pictures.  DO NOT GET DIRTY!"

     Dustin, nine hated the shirt I gave him to wear.  It was "sooo retarded looking."  I told him to get over it and went on getting everyone else ready. 

     Church starts at 10:00.  At 9:40 I was still running around in my pajamas coordinating outfits.  Ugh...

     Dustin came in the back door from jumping on the trampoline with mud all over his "retarded looking shirt."  I may have overreacted, sent him upstairs to change, had a minor melt down, and while I was breathing into a brown paper bag, Devin came in and said, "Dustin did that on purpose. He said, if I roll in mud I won't hafta wear this stupid shirt."

     Breathe Jenny.  Breathe.  If Curtis hadn't been here to bring me back to reality, I probably would have taken the retarded, muddy, shirt, rubbed Dustin's nose in it, then made him wear it to church and for pictures.  It would've made a funny picture and story...eventually, right?

     Okay, picture time!  We have Kaya 14, Daymond 14, Devin 12, Dustin 9, Dani 7, and Dakotah 4.

     On our way rushing out the door, heading for two separate vehicles, because we can't all fit in one,  I said, "We hafta take Darli!" Curtis looked at me like I was from another planet. "Are you kidding? I don't wanna hafta keep up with the dog!" "I will. C'mon Darli!  Should we take Tyson too?" "NOOO!!!"  "Goodness, now who's overreacting?"

     There's a beautiful little park just a couple minutes from our house where we  went to do our family "photo session."  

     Curtis had lots of fun ideas.  We had everything we needed.  Camera.  Kids.  Props.  Sunshine.  Smiles.  Positive attitudes.  Nothing but time.  Let's do this!

     Kaya and Daymond, both teenagers were over this before it ever started.  So they were fairly cooperative from the get go.  I know they were probably thinking, smile and it'll be over before we know it.

     With Dani and Dakotah, all you have to say is, smile and strike a pose.  They love being the center of attention.  So they both done great.

     Then there's Devin and Dustin.  Wow!  Although the park is very pretty.  It also has a lot of distractions for little boys.  Streams, rocks, woods, bugs...

     Every time I snapped a picture they were both off and running like wild animals.  Jumping across the creek, climbing trees, rolling down hills, throwing leaves at each other. 

     I felt like a broken record.  "Devin stop.  Dustin don't get dirty.  Devin you're going to get hurt.  Dustin put the bugs down."

     We left the park Sunday with a total of 30 pictures taken.  Six grumpy kids, one angry, disappointed mama, and a daddy that was probably wondering what he was thinking when had the idea to do pictures. 

     After editing, we came out with ten amazing pictures of our beautiful kids.  And now that the anger has subsided, I can look at these pictures and laugh and say it was all worth while. 

     Don't take life too serious.  Lesson learned!

     Most well behaved of the day?  Definitely Darli!

     

     

      

     

     

When I Grow Up...

      I had friends and teachers growing up that always ask me the same question. When I was little the question was, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" In middle school they would say, "What are you going to go to college for?"  Assuming that everyone would go to college after graduating high school.  And in later years the question was, "What are your plans for the future?"  Wow, that's pretty deep.

     I noticed the people around me always answered these questions with things like; a doctor, a lawyer, a pediatric nurse...  I've always been the type, since a young age, that wondered, why doesn't anybody ever say, "I'm gonna be a trash man" or "I'm gonna work at McDonalds." After all, somebody has to do it. But the one occupation that nobody ever named, possibly the most important job out there.  A mommy!  Who do they think raises those doctors, lawyers, and nurses?  Hello?! 

     So, my senior year of high school, my high school sweetheart, with whom I had planned to spend the rest of my life, said to me one night, in deep conversation, "Jenny, have you thought seriously about your plans for your future?" My first thought was, here we go again.  By this point, I was sick to death if this question! I was also tired of critical eyes when I told people that it wasn't in my plans to go to college.  I had nothing set in stone.  So I made it very clear to him that I was put on this earth to be a wife and a mommy. That's all I had ever wanted and all I had planned for "my future."

     Guess what I got?  Critical eyes.  Needless to say, that was the beginning to our end.  He wasn't "Mr. Right" after all.

     I'm so glad I didn't conform to what someone else wanted me to be over what I knew in my heart, was the calling on my life.  I hate to think of where I might be today if I hadn't held on to the unseen hand of God.

     That was the hardest, saddest, most horrible breakup in world history!  I was just sure I was going to die.  I couldn't eat, I couldn't drink, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, I couldn't concentrate on anything.  I pretty much walked around like a zombie, until.......

     August 26, 1998.  That's when I spotted him.  There he was, walking into the gas station.  Ahhh...could he be real or was he just a vision?  I must admit. I DO NOT believe in love at first sight.  But if I did, I would swear this was the closest that anybody had ever came to it in the history of existence.

     If it wasn't love at first sight what was it?  It must've been lust.  But it's over now:)  I'm not proud of this but that's the only explanation.  Lust it was.

     I noticed he was with a friend and his friend was pumping gas.  So, I took myself and my outgoing, unfiltered, personality to that friend and said "hi."  He probably thought I was hitting on him.  But I shortly followed "hi" with "your friend is really hot!"  He laughed.  Hottie came out of the store.  Friend introduced us.  And the rest is history.

     Hottie, a.k.a. Curtis, has now been my husband for fifteen years next month.  I would be lying through my teeth if I said we had been happy every single day of those fifteen years.  That would make a great story but a very untruthful one.

     After starting to date we learned that we both wanted a big family.  Cha Ching!!!  I hit the baby jack pot!  And I was thinking, "check this guy out.  We'll make some beautiful kids."

     It's true what they say. Whoever they are.  The first year of marriage is NOT EASY!  Immediately after saying "I do" those cute little things that Curtis said and done while we were dating...NOT cute anymore.  They were now ridiculously stupid and obnoxious, which lead me to feel many different emotions for him in that first year.  Aggravation, annoyance, rage, hatred...love?  Not so much.  Mostly I just wanted to kick him in the throat and run the opposite direction while he was laying on the ground gasping for breath.

     Now, almost fifteen years later, we realize where we were going wrong.  We had our priorities completely out of line.  First of all, we did NOT have God at the head if our marriage.  Without Him as the leader.  It will never work!

     Yes, we went to church on Sundays. We checked the "Christian" box on hospital papers.  But were we being "Christ like?"  Absolutely not!  It's a sad reality that I've recently learned, too many people think all it takes to be a Christian is to believe in God.  Darwin, the inventor of the evolution theory or the "big bang theory" believed there was a God.

     It didn't take us fifteen years to get our priorities lined up.  But it did take us longer than I like to admit.  God first.  Spouse second.  Children after spouse.  Then everything else.  Sometimes that's a hard pill to swallow.  But that's the way it was intended.

     Recently, after being blessed enough to be able to stay home with our children for fourteen years, I started working.  I'm constantly bragging on my sweetie to the ladies I work with.  I'm proud of my man!

     Three nights ago, I came home from work at mid-night and Curtis had bought me roses, a Caramel Milkyway (my favorite), and written me the sweetest card telling me how much he appreciates me.  Aaannnddd he rubbed my achey feet while I told him all about my evening.  It's the little things:)

     I know.  He sounds perfect, right?  He's not!  There are still times I'd like to kick him in the throat and run the opposite direction.  

     So, I don't have a college education.  I've never traveled out of the country.  I wouldn't know how to act at a five star restaurant. 

     But if you ask me thirty years ago what I wanted to be when I grew up, or twenty years ago what I was going to college for, or seventeen years ago what my plans were for my future.  I could've looked ahead to today and with perfect contentment said, "Yep."